


Emotional Turmoil.

by KittyBits



Series: Sperek Oneshots [2]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Garcia is a BAMF, Gay crisis, Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, The feels have opinions, derek has feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-18 12:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/561117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyBits/pseuds/KittyBits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His insecurity would go, "It can't be. I can't be gay! That would mean that I liked what Buford did to me."</p>
<p>To which his reason would reply, "Don't be like that. Of course you didn't enjoy what he did to you. He was a monster and he will rot in Hell for all of eternity."</p>
<p>Insecurity wouldn't listen though and continue with thoughts like, "But if I'm gay, it'll mean that I like getting it in the you-know-what. That's what being gay is all about, right?"</p>
<p>Then Reason sighed, "It could also mean that you like giving it in the ass," here Reason and Libido would high five, "and be honest with yourself here. You liked it those times!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emotional Turmoil.

The process Derek Morgan had gone through as he realized he wasn't exactly straight as an arrow anymore hadn't been fun. It had been long and angsty and disturbingly filled with nights lying sleepless balled up in his bed with Clooney happily sleeping on the floor next to him.

It also contained a lot of guilt.

Frank Buford had been a lot of his mind.

The themes he was involved with were the worst ones, and included several situations with his insecurity and reason in heated discussion.

His insecurity would go, _It can't be. I can't be gay! That would mean that I liked what Buford did to me._

To which his reason would reply: _Don't be like that. Of course you didn't enjoy what he did to you. He was a monster and he will rot in Hell for all of eternity._

Insecurity wouldn't listen though and continue with thoughts like: _But if I'm gay, it'll mean that I like getting_ it _in the you-know-what. That's what being gay is all about, right?_

Then Reason sighed: _It could also mean that you like_ giving _it in the ass_ (here Reason and Libido would high five), _and be honest with yourself here. You_ liked _it those times_!

Because Derek Morgan, angsty as he might be at the moment, still was a ridiculously attractive male specimen of the human persuasion, and some women out there were very experimental when it came to sex and not at all opposed to anal variety, he had discovered.

Some of them had actually offered it on their own initiative.

_But_ , his insecurity would whine, _those times were with women, you can't argue against that._

Reason was seriously considering kicking the mind's ass at this point. _And you can't say without lying that you don't find the male body attractive. Come on, you know how hot we get when we see Spe-_

_DON'T say it_! Insecurity would interrupt and Reason rolled it's eyes.

It continued talking, even if it was only a concept and concepts in reality can't talk, but Derek Morgan did not care at this point. _We still want to nail his skinny ass._

Insecurity shrunk into itself in shame and whispered: _But that means that, that time with Buford, that perhaps we weren't as opposed as we should have been._

The glare Reason was directing at the insecurity would have fried a couple of circuits if it weren't for the fact that they weren't real. _You have got to stop doing that. You aren't stupid_ (he knew that because they were the same person), _so face the facts. No straight woman who's been raped enjoyed it-_

_No, but-_

_No buts!_ Libido sniggered at that. _Straight women like sex with men, but they don't like to be forced. We want to have crazy monkey sex with men, that_ does not _mean that we liked getting Frank fucking Buford's old fucking dick stuffed into our poor virgin asshole_ (which agreed with a loud “Preach!” down from the nether regions). _So stuff your arguments and face the facts: we like cock._

_But not Buford cock_? Insecurity was more than a bit intimidated – it was getting some unfriendly looks from several other parts of Derek's body.

_Definitely not Buford cock._

Insecurity had silently nodded and considered that Reason usually did make sense.

And then Derek slowly began to accept his growing fondness for his own sex. And their genitalia.

He still had his angsty episodes though, and what do you do when you late in the afternoon some random Saturday decide that your entire world is falling apart and that nothing was like it was supposed to be?

If you're a man you mope around.

If you're a woman you talk about it with your girlfriends.

If you're Derek Morgan you mope around in your apartment for several hours before finally giving in and leaving your confused and upset dog to drive to the only person who can give you the answers you need: Your God Given Solace.

In other words, he went to see Penelope Garcia, because he previously had had some very good experiences with the whole talking-things-through with her and he supposed that _if_ he really was gay he would have to talk about his feelings.

That was the kind of stuff gays liked to do. Besides having fun with other men's dicks and shopping.

Or so he'd heard anyway.

So he went to see the only person who could save him and it went something like this:

”Hi there, Chocolate Stud Muffin. I wasn't expecting you!” Garcia smiled happily as her favorite Door Kicking Chocolate Gateau had shown to be the one who had come knocking on her door.

”I think I'm attracted to men.”

”Come inside.”

And this is probably the place to mention that when Penelope Garcia called herself Goddess of the All-Knowing, she was so close to being right as was possible as she was still in fact human and not divine. The stories hidden on her hard disk about two certain FBI-agents having sweaty and rushed after near-death sex was very much like some of the fantasies a certain milk chocolate colored FBI-agent was having during his happy time in the shower.

Which happened every day now.

Garcia pulled a glittery notebook from a drawer and picked a pink pen with feathers on the end from a cup on her desk before sitting in a deep armchair and gesturing for Derek Morgan, her best friend and confidante, to lay down on her couch.

Which he did after a bit of frowning.

“So,” she started with a stern look at him over the edge of her glasses. “You think you're attracted to men?”

“No.” Derek sighed heavily and stared at the ceiling. “I don't _think_ I'm attracted to them. I'm pretty sure I know.”

“Hmm.” A was a disapproving sound and he knew he had to do better or else [else: undefined, but surely very scary action being done by the threatener to the threatenee].

“Okay, I _am_ attracted to men.” Garcia nodded and started drawing a circle on her notebook. She continued by adding eyes and a big pouty mouth as Derek shifted in the uncomfortable silence.

“Does that upset you?” she asked and looked up from drawing a lot of eyelashes to fix a professional look on the man on her couch. One would have thought she was the one of the pair who had studied psychology. She hadn't. She had studies psychologists which were very much like having studied psychology only not at all.

“I guess it does.” Morgan admitted after a small pause. Garcia drew a big curly hair around the face and looked up to nod to Derek. “I've just always considered myself of being, you know, a ladies-man... You know?”

“I don't know – do I?” She had her tongue in her cheek as she carefully drew the dress. This was going to be a princess she decided, and made it floor length.

“I don't know, I've just always taken home a lot of women, and it was fun – I swear! I always enjoyed it!”

“Do you still want to bring home women?” Garcia decorated the dress and drew a tiara on top of the hair. Princess Penelope, she wrote over the drawing and admired it briefly before shifting her attention to the quiet form on her couch. “Well?”

“I guess,” Derek started. “But perhaps not... Not as much as I used to.”

“So you're not a total fruitcake?”

“I'm not a total what?! No – no I still like women! I still love breasts and you're still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!” He winked and Garcia scowled back.

“Gay men acknowledge female beauty too. Some of them dig tits too, but none like the pussy part.”

Derek might have flinched a bit at the crude words.

“Hmm.” Garcia decided to do something rash as her friend stared thoughtfully at her ceiling. She left her chair and quickly straddled him on her couch. He snapped from his thoughts quickly and stared at her in horror.

“Do you want to have sex?” she crooned and leaned forward so Derek got a good look at her cleavage. She licked her lips seductively. “Do you want to fuck?”

“Er, Baby Girl. What are you doing?” Derek asked hesitantly after clearing his voice and trying to move out under her body.

She smirked and crawled off his lap to sit on the other end of the couch. “You need to face the facts, Love Brownie, you're a total fruitcake.”

Derek replied by sighing heavily, rubbing his eyes and staring dejectedly at his feet. “Shit,” he groaned. “You might be right.”

“Excuse me!” Garcia said with mock insult. “Are you forgetting who you're talking to?”

“Sorry, Mama,” Derek said with a smile and pulled her in for a hug. “Sometimes I forget.”

“I forgive you, but what are you going to do about Reid?” she asked against his chest.

“Reid?” Derek pulled away, obviously confused.

“Yeah, you know he's gay too?”

“He is?”

“Gay as West Side Story.”

“What?”

“Never mind,” she sighed. “But what are you going to do?”

“I have no idea,” Derek admitted, pressed a soft kiss against Garcia's forehead and left her apartment.

She went straight to her laptop where she wrote three dramatic love confessions ending in steaming, hot love-making.

Derek went home where he comforted the still upset dog and then spent the rest of the night staring at the dark TV and contemplating life and love and those silly little coincidences that might and might not work in his favor.

He didn't act on his new-found knowledge and admission, Insecurity still had quite the hold on him.

Although it was Reason holding him back the next time he wasn't sure what to do.

It was in Podunk, Wyoming, the local motel didn't have enough rooms, and Derek hadn't been quick enough to declare that he didn't want to sleep with Reid.

It would have been a lie too.

He really wanted to sleep with Reid.

Like _really,_ really.

And _sleep_ sleep.

He had supposed they could have some brotherly bonding talk.

And they did for a nice long hour before Reid declared that he was tired and wanted to go to bed and _pulled off his shirt_.

Blood rushed from Derek's face as a sudden part awoke with a roar.

Literally.

Or perhaps not – more like a loud whistle and shrill “Look at that!”

Derek didn't know why he thought his dick would talk like that, but when facing the facts – Derek was from the ghetto and no matter how high he climbed in society, there was one part of him that would _never_ let go of his ghetto attitude.

His penis.

Reid smiled shyly and crouched down to get his pajamas out of his bag.

_Oooooooh_ , Dick said with admiration. _Look at that_ ass. _Mmmh! What I would do to get a piece of that! What are we waiting for?_ It looked up in expectation.

_We aren't waiting for anything_ , Reason declared and crossed it's metaphorical arms. _He's our friend and we will not do_ anything _that you want to do – especially not_ that _!_

Dick was sending some very vivid images of just _what_ he wanted to do with the ass placed above Reid's delectable legs.

_Don't deny it_ , the swiftly hardening body part said casually. _You'd want nothing more than for me to bury myself deep between those sweet-_

_Language_! Reason was more than insulted at Dick's rude behavior and the actual body part with the imaginary personality snickered.

_Don't be so uptight – you know you want to_! It winked and Reason scowled back.

_I'm not uptight! I want to, but how do you think Spencer would react if we jumped him like that?_

_He would yelp and then moan when we twist one of his sweet little nipples and lick along the shell of his ear._

Reason was remarkably silent for quite a while as it shot a longing glance at the young man frantically going through his bag for the third time.

_No_ , it said quietly at last. _No. We can't just jump him – he deserves more! He deserves to be wooed and taken on dates and chaste kisses at his front door-_

_And sloppy make-outs in supply closets at work and sex on the back seat of our car and_ **now** _Goddammit!_

Both Reason and Derek himself was left a bit dry in their mouths.

Reason cleared his voice and tried to regain its ability to speak.

“Morgan, do you maybe have a shirt or something I could borrow? I washed my pajamas this weekend and I appear to have forgotten to pack it again afterwards.” Reid smiled pleadingly to Derek.

_Yes, yes_! Reason shouted. _Be the gentleman you are and give him your shirt!_

_No!_ Dick shouted, just as loud. T _ell him we'd prefer if he slept without it. Without_ anything _actually!_

“Sure,” Derek said and tried to ignore the triumphant look Reason directed at Dick who glared right back.

In his mind.

Derek pulled his bag into his lap, covering his growing erection, and pulled the first t-shirt up he stumbled across. Reid took it with a small smile and for a moment they just stared at each other, both unable to speak or move, until Reid cleared his voice and mumbled something about changing before disappearing into the small bathroom.

Derek's body and mind was silent.

Very silent.

And then.

_He wants it._

_Shut up._

_But he does_! Reason glared down at Dick who looked completely unaffected. _Did you notice the way he looked back at us_?

_Well, yes_ , Reason admitted.

_Good! Now, let's get up and wait for him to come out of the door so we can press him against the wall and_ bang _him!_

_No, we will NOT!_

Derek turned his eyes away from the door and started getting dressed in his own sleeping attire – an old football shirt from college. If he had a single room he would sleep just in his boxers but with Reid in the room he was wont to a certain amount of dignity.

_Aw, come on! All of us want it_! Insecurity nodded shyly, Protectiveness shrugged its shoulders as it actually wouldn't mind the dating and slowly building up a relationship, Libido was waving pompoms and doing some obscene dance moves mostly consisting of gyrating its hips, Distrust glared at the dancing emotion and snorted. Reason was immensely glad it was the most powerful emotion Derek possessed and shook its head.

_I do not_ care _what who wants to do. Of course I want to be with him-_

_You sound like a woman_ , Dick said and snickered. Libido held up a hand and they high-five'd.

_I don't care! We will not copulate with Reid tonight!_

_But we want to_. Dick's voice was slowly decreasing in volume as blood started to leave the erection and return to where it belonged: the brain.

_It won't happen!_

After several long moments of silence Reason decided that Dick had _finally_ left the building (or rather body) and it smiled with content.

_Now move on, you ridiculous fantasies! And I'm disappointed in you, Insecurity! Don't think we wont talk about this later._

_Sorry_ , Insecurity whispered and shuffled after Libido, who had glare so coldly it gave Reason chills before stomping away.

Then Reid left the bathroom, only clad in Derek's shirt and black briefs.

_WOHOO_! Reason sighed at Dick's reappearance and rubbed its eyes.

_Will you leave already?_

_Nope._ Dick smiled cheekily at the tired emotion and started doing a little victory dance. _Dick is back, back again, guess who's back – tell your friend_! Libido joined it quicker than you could spell BJ.

_That's enough!_ Reason glared hard at the dancers. _We're going to bed_!

Derek gave a damn about brushing his teeth and crawled under the sheets after a short good night and a smile to Reid.

_Aw, man!_ Dick complained. _You're ruining everything_!

Derek pressed his eyes hard together and tried to will down the aching erection.

_I'm not ruining_ anything! _I'm making sure we_ don't _ruin everything!_

_Will you shut up with that – I want to fuck that tight ass right now! We all do!_

_Be quiet_! Reason turned around at ducked its head when Love gave it a stern look. _If anyone do anything too rash and destroy this, I will be very disappointed and heartbroken._ _Dick and Libido, stop that ridiculous moving around – this isn't a club. Insecurity, stop moping. Distrust, I'm not even going to start with you_! Love looked tiredly at Reason who looked back with Respect. _Reason_ , Love said and sighed.

_Yes, Love?_

_Just... Calm down, okay?_

_Of course!_

Everyone was quiet, as Love curled into itself and Derek let a heartbroken sigh leave his tense body.

God, this was difficult.

_You know it will work out, right?_ Reason asked Love. _He's gay too, and we're the man he has the closest relationship to. He's very likely to fall in love with us too._

_We aren't good enough for him_ , Insecurity piped up and was immediately slapped on the head by Dick who was trying his hardest not to disappear. And failing. Insecurity gave it a triumphant smile just before Dick finally died down.

Reason looked down on Love and sighed. It was considering if it should do something to comfort Love – stroke its head or something – when the bed dipped and something warm pressed against Derek's back.

“Reid?” Derek's voice was a bit hoarse with surprise and the shock of several emotion stirring inside of him.

“Spencer,” the young man whispered against Derek's back. “Call me Spencer, Derek.”

“Spencer, what are you doing?” He hoped he wasn't wrong, and to know he needed the other to confirm it.

An arm snaked around Derek's waist and pressed him closer to Spencer. “What do you think?” Derek could hear the smile in his voice and felt one grow on his face in reply.

Love sat up, looking suddenly alert and Reason had to jump back to avoid getting hit on the chin. The alert look turned into a smile and Love looked more peaceful than Reason remembered it to be for a very long time.

It enjoyed the silence, and the fact that Dick hadn't awoken from the close proximity – that truly was a blessing.

“I love you, Derek,” a quite voice whispered against Derek's neck.

“I love you too, Spencer.”

Something hard pressed against Derek's lower back.

_AAAAAW YEAH! Can we fuck now?_


End file.
